Troy: Gone Rum
by elfchicks
Summary: Troy has gone rum! It's an understatement to say that it's strange. Chapter 10 is up!
1. Default Chapter

**Troy- Gone Rum**

"Luke, I am your father!" apprised Hector.

"My name is not Luke," protested Paris. "And you are not my father!"

"Oh," said Hector, turning around. Something caught his eye. It was a square sponge and it was flipping on the floor like a fish out of water. Hector bent down to grab it.

Riippp! Hector's skirt had ripped again.

"Oh no!" he yelled. "Helen is eating my Lucky Charms!" He quickly snatched them away from her, bowl and all, and poured them down his cavernous mouth avariciously. Priam was aghast.

"Hector!" he called. "Do your worst!"

"Ok pop!" Hector squawked in reply. "Daddy, I want to fly!"

"Ok son," said Priam. He pushed Hector off the wall.

"Wahooo!" Hector yelled. He flew through the air (in a path resembling a downward parabola) until he landed on Achilles, who was dancing and singing in his little pink tutu. Hector grabbed Paris' longbow and shot Achilles in the butt.

"Dang!" said Achilles. "Thought I was immortal."

**The End **


	2. Hector the Exterminator

**Hector the Exterminator **

_Saraman_

"Aughh!" shrieked Priam. "It's a mouse! Oh, save me, son!"

"Yes, dad," answered Hector. "But I will need my special mouse remover." He pulled out a giant turbo vacuum cleaner with an extra suction hose.

"Eeek!" squeaked the mouse. Hector mercilessly sucked it up.

"Oh, thank you, son," breathed Priam, crawling off the roof. "You're hired!"

In case you wanted to know, Hector had decided to found a new business in Troy, dubbing it "Prince Hector's Extermination Co." He specialized in eliminating rodents and other small pests.

His slogan was, "We make pests say uncle." He thought he would make big bucks with all the sissies that were petrified of bugs and mice that lurked around Troy. He forced his brother and father to help him practice. His next rehearsal was with Paris.

"Oh, help me, help me!" shrieked Paris, shinnying up a nearby tree like a squirrel. "It's a toad! Oh! Please, someone kill it!"

"Roger, Paris," affirmed Hector, squishing the toad with his sandal. "Subject destroyed."

"Well, that was easy," commented Paris. "I think I'll hire you." After this successful attempt, Hector decided to release his services to the public.

His cell phone rang. "Please!" an old woman pleaded on the other end. "You've got to help me! It's coming! It's gonna eat me!" The line fizzled out. Hector traced the call, ran to said old woman's house, and threw open the door. He noted a grandmotherly woman passed out on the floor. He also noticed a tiny insignificant spider crawling up her leg.

"Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" laughed Hector, throwing up his arms. "Lady, you've gotta be kidding me! Oh, ha, ha, ha! He strolled over and smashed the spider with his jumbo fly swatter.

"I'll leave the bill," apprised Hector, scribbling on a piece of paper and sticking it to the old woman's forehead.

After this, his cell phone rang again. He put it to his ear and heard an ear-piercing shriek. "Calm down, calm down!" urged Hector. "What is it?"

"It's a big one!" a girly voice cried. "It's in my john! AHHHHHHHHH!" Hector got the man's address, hopped in his extermination chariot and sped to the scene of the crime. He smashed the door in, tore up carpet racing across the living room, and ripped the bathroom door off its hinges. A feminine man (complete with pigtails and eye shadow) was paralyzed with fear, a hand over his mouth, the other pointing at the john.

"Get back!" ordered Hector. "I'll take care of this!" He seized a toilet plunger and neared the toilet. "Hey!" yelled Hector. "This is no pest! It's toilet scum!" He flushed it. "Disgusting!" he commented. "I'm charging double for the gross factor!" He scribbled a bill and stuck it to the man's hair.

Hector's cell phone rang yet again. "Gotta run!" he called. He raced out the door to the next person's house.

"Eeeeeek!" shrieked a voice that sounded strangely familiar. "It's eating my potatoes! Now it's starting on the beans! Hurry!"

"Roger!" affirmed Hector. "Be right over." He thundered down the street to the caller's address, and found himself in front of the palace door.

"Something funny's going on around here," stated Hector, leaping deftly from his chariot. He scrambled into the dining room of his own house.

"It's Paris!" shrieked Hecuba. "He's eating everything! Help me, Hector!"

Paris had eaten everything on Priam's plate, Hecuba's plate, his own plate, and was nearing Hector's.

Hecuba was indignant. "Hurry, Hector!" she entreated. "He's heading for Andromache's!"

"You wanna play with fire, scarecrow?" asked Hector. He pulled out a flamethrower.

"Auggh!" cried Paris. "Foiled again!" He backed off.

"You girly, gobbling, gluttonous, glutinous, grievous, grubby, grinch!" yelled Hector. "I'm gonna make you pay the pest removal bill instead of mom!"

"How much?" asked Paris.

"Ten thousand gold coins should cover it," responded Hector, "though it's quite a steal for the tools I had to use, the risk to my life, the loss of my dinner. You understand."

"Uh huh," sighed Paris. "I guess I'll have to mow extra lawns this summer."

**Finis **


	3. Slightly Pertaining to Candy

**Slightly Pertaining to Candy **

_Saraman, James, & Olga Schwarzenegger_

"I love candy!" announced Hector. "The only way you can keep me away from candy is if you pry me away from it. I remember when I was young and I had to go to the dentist because I ate so much candy. For a while, I did not eat candy, but then I got the urge for candy and now look at me. I own the most candy in the whole world. But I only like Willy Wonka's candy."

"What? What did you say?" asked Agamemnon, swimming in his own voluptuous pile of sweets.

"I said I want to eat your candy!" replied Hector. He opened his mouth as wide as it would go and swallowed every single piece of candy whole, along with Agamemnon!

"Mmmmm…." said Hector skipping off back to the Trojan wall. All of a sudden, he tripped on a rock. Rip!

"Stupid rock!" Hector yelled. "That's the twentieth time you made me trip and rip my skirt!" Hector was very angry!

"You stupid rock!" screeched Hector. "Why I ought to…." Hector drew his short sword and started striking the rock. "Die, you stupid rock! Die!"

Paris noted his brother stabbing and slashing at a rock by the wall. "What are you doing, Hector?" he asked, a bit confused.

"I'm trying to kill this stupid rock!"

"It's not stupid," commented Paris. "In fact, it's probably one of the smartest rocks I've ever seen." Paris kicked the rock out of the dirt.

"You killed it!" screamed Hector. "Waaaaaaaahhhh!"

Paris decided that his brother was being a ninny.

————————————

At dinner that night, a guard cracked his whip when he saw Hector eating a cookie, and then sauntered over and snatched it away.

"Only the king can have cookies!" screeched Helen. Out of nowhere, a giant green bird came and took Helen away.

"Wahoo!" cheered Paris. "She's gone! Yeah! I will never have to see her again! Wahoo!"

Hector peeked out the door and saw a multitude of candy monsters breaking in through the main gate.

"Run for your lives!" ordered Hector. "The candy! They're going to get me! Yahhhhh!"

Just then, Achilles showed up. He still had an arrow in his rear and he was not happy about it! The candy monsters ate Achilles and grew full, so Hector was saved.

**Finis **


	4. Achilles Stew

**Achilles Stew **

_James, Saraman, & Olga_

Paris perceived his grandfather's screaming voice. The squeaky, rusty intonation led him to the royal kitchens. Actually, it was Hector yelling, it's just that Paris couldn't tell the difference. Hector and Paris seized Achilles from the principal dungeons and lobbed him into a boiling cauldron of water.

"Get me some vegetables, Paris!" ordered Hector. "I'm going to make Achilles Stew."

"Oh, my favourite!" said Paris, clapping with glee. Achilles swam to the top of the steaming pot and tried to pull himself up over the ledge. However, his grip slipped and he plunged back in, breaking the water beside a carrot. Though the vegetables were cooking nicely, Achilles wasn't really cooking at all. He was doing a great deal of swimming, however, using a noodle as, well, a noodle. It was keeping him afloat.

Hector heard a strange echoing noise from within the cauldron. "Please…I'm allergic to water." Then, he heard a gargling noise. "Help me! I'm drowning! Blub, blub, blub!"

"Liar!" When Hector turned to stir the Achilles Stew, he noticed that something was missing. It was Achilles!

":Muhahahahahahahaha:" laughed the evil, rummish man in the pink tutu. "You can't eat me! I'm too smart for you to eat!"

"Oh yeah?" challenged Agamemnon, entering the kitchen. "I'm too sexy for my shirt! I'm too sexy for my shirt!" He ripped his shirt off and his beer belly popped out.

"AHHHHHHH!" screamed Odysseus, looking through an omniscient telescope. "Mother!" He ran across the sea, back to Ithaca, to see his mother.

After Paris and Hector had shoved Achilles back into the pot, they added the spices.

"A little bit of salt and pepper; some seafood seasoning—"

"Seafood seasoning?" questioned Paris.

"Of course!" Hector replied. "Achilles is seafood; he came from the sea!"

"Oh…."

"Some poultry seasoning…"

"And he's also a chicken, I expect? Chicken of the sea? Do you have any tuna seasoning?"

"That goes with seafood seasoning. All right, some thyme, oregano, mint, tarragon, chives, basil, cardamom, cinnamon, and nutmeg. "

"Ew…why are you putting sweet spices in a savory soup?"

"I'll answer that if you tell me why you're so girly."

"I guess I didn't really want to know the answer that badly anyway."

Hector looked back in the stew, and his face fell. "Ack! Why did you distract me, Paris? Achilles has escaped us!"

**Finis **


	5. Another Way to End the War

**Another Way to End the War **

_Saraman, James Norrington, Christopher, and Lee_

_Author's Notes: Oh! Another beautiful story about our favourite Trojans and Greeks. _

_In _ _Troy__, there lies the scene._

"AHHHHHH!" shrieked Hector, pointing at Helen. "You have aerophobia!"

"No, I don't!" retorted Helen indignantly. "I'm not afraid of drafts of air!"

"Right?" said Hector unbelievingly. "And I suppose I turn into a giant green monster when I get mad?"

"The only time I turn into a monster is when I run out of hair gel!" put in Paris. "Oh, disgusting! Hector, you have hairy legs! AHHHHHHHHH!"

"You don't fit in here!" yelled a random Trojan soldier. "We all clean shave."

"But I don't want to clean shave!" cried Hector. "I like my hair!" He was so upset, he removed his sandal and hurled it at Paris, knocking him out.

"It is a sign from Apollo!" cried Priam, who was so excited, he didn't even notice that he was falling off the wall.

A bird pecked Hector's leg.

"Ack!" cried Hector. "Something bit me!"

"Oh, sorry!" said the bird. Paris grabbed it and stuffed him into a bowling ball. Then, he shot it out of a primitive cannon. It flew into the Greek camp, where it conked Agamemnon on the head, knocking him out cold. The Greeks thought he was dead, so they put on a whole lot of Native American garb and started dancing around him singing: "Savages, savages!" (You know, the theme song for Pocahontas) They were all ready to go to war, but about then, they noticed that there was a strange vulture circling above him. Soon, there were twenty. Apparently, the vultures were proliferating.

The dancing Greeks heard a sharp high-pitched cry from the beach. It was Achilles! He was being attacked by a dense swarm of pitt-eating vultures. Suddenly, Agamemnon woke up and gave the order to retreat. He leapt in his chariot and was flying so fast across the sea, the wheels didn't even sink in. But he went too fast, fell out, and was run over, pounded tragically into the water. Menelaus was so distraught, he sat down right in the sand and started crying. He even called for his mommy.

Suddenly, a big, ugly, old lady with an over-sized purse walked up. "I'm from rentamommydotcom. What can I do for you, sonny?" she said.

"I want to rent a mom," responded Menelaus, trying to dry his tears.

Hector came sprinting down to the beach. "Come back to the city, grandma," he said furtively in her ear, hoping the other Greeks wouldn't notice that he was among them. "Come back and have your tea. It is tea-time, isn't it?"

Hector's grandmother turned around and regarded him. Then, she raised her purse high above her head and brought it down with a smack on Hector's. He didn't fall, just kind of stood there speechless with that aloof look in his eyes. Finally, he spoke. "No, Paris," he said. "You may not bob for apples in my chamber pot. And furthermore, the clown with the bird-cage on his head has to go!"

The Greeks stared at him blankly.

"Clown?" shrieked Menelaus. "Where? Where? Clowns scare me!" He began to cry again. Hector's grandmother clapped his shoulder.

"There, there, sonny," she said. "You tell your mommy what's wrong." Menelaus admitted to her that he was a panaphobic. She gave him a mother-to-son pep talk and he felt better. Then, he invited her to stay for lunch. And when he noticed Hector standing behind her, he invited him too, as well as Achilles. All entered Menelaus' pavilion. Everything seemed to be going well, until…

" Bologna? I hate bologna! I can't believe you made me a bologna sandwich!"

"I love bologna! Anyone who doesn't is a sack of wine!"

"Peanut-butter and honey is best!"

"Honey? Yuck! Cheesy nachos are the best!"

"Nachos? I hate nachos!"

"Nachos? Where? My nachos!"

They got into a huge fight. It ended with Hector and Achilles stabbing at each other with kitchen knives, Hector's grandmother pummeling people with her purse, and Menelaus poking everyone within reach in the arm with a fork. Then, when Achilles stabbed Hector in the finger, the Trojan warrior grew so angry, he transformed into the Hulk and destroyed the pavilion. He went on a rampage, obliterating the entire Greek camp. Everyone was running for their lives.

The Hulk grabbed Odysseus while he was shaving and picked him up by the neck. "Puny human!" he said. Then, he threw Odysseus all the way to Circes' island, where he stayed for fifty years. With the brains of the operation gone, the Greeks didn't have a chance. However, they tried to fight anyway. They surrounded the Hulk, pointing razor-sharp spears at him. Then, Achilles charged through the ring of men. He hurled his spear, but it bounced off and hit him in the eye. Then, he went after the Hulk with his sword. Hector held him off with one enormous finger. Achilles was still sprinting full speed when he realized that he was not getting anywhere. Then, the Hulk grabbed Achilles and said, "Fish are friends, not food!" With that, he tossed Achilles into the nearby river, where he became fossilized.

Then, Hector turned into an American soldier with a machine gun. When he saw what he was holding, he said, "Muhahahaha!" He fired a warning shot up into the air and the Greeks dispelled like frightened rats. They boarded their ships faster than you would think was possible and sailed back to Mycenae. Then, a laptop computer appeared on the sand beside Hector, who was now back to himself. He opened it up and it was running Age of Empires. He saw that it was on the Trojan War campaign. "Yay," he said. He made himself the Trojans and built a huge, double-walled, city. Then he built an army big enough to take over the world. Suddenly, an enemy transport came to shore. Just one. _This should be easy,_ thought Hector. Out came a bigdaddy. With one shot from the missile launcher on top of the car, it took out his seemingly invincible wall. Then it drove inside, capturing the treasure of Priam. However, before it could kill Hector, the horseman with a sword that was supposed to represent the Trojan hero, Hector went right next to the bigdaddy and killed it dead.

"Phew," breathed Hector. Within a minute, he had restored the treasure and rebuilt the wall. Then, five transports came to shore and unloaded fifty bigdaddies.

"Lovely," said Hector. It was then that he realized that the game was on multiplayer! Someone else was playing him, not the computer. He saw that it was Paris. His brother was a ways down from him on the beach. Back on the computer screen, Hector realized that his entire city had been obliterated.

" Paris!" he yelled. "You are a cheater! You're not allowed to use bigdaddies!"

Paris just shrugged and smiled innocently. And that, my friends, was the Trojan War.

**Finis **


	6. Of Facial Hair and the Lack Thereof

**Troy: Gone Rum VI - Of Facial Hair and the Lack Thereof**

"This, my friend, is a pint," said Paris pleasantly as Hector approached the table.

"Now where have I heard that before?" asked Hector. "Oh yes, _the Fellowship of the Ring_, wasn't it? But anyway, you've got it all wrong!"

"How so?" asked Paris curiously as he sipped some ale from his "pint." Suddenly, Hector whipped a twenty-five gallon mug out from under the table and slammed it down with a mighty crash. Paris choked on his ale, and his eyes grew as large as round pop-tarts.

"Now this," said Hector proudly, "is a pint."

"Where- where did you get that?" stammered Paris in utter disbelief.

"You'd have better luck asking me about the meaning of life," stated Hector.

"What's the meaning of li-" began Paris.

"Never mind!" snapped Hector. "As I was saying, this is a pint!"

"Ok," said Paris. "But is this the standard or European system of measurement?"

"You shouldn't concern yourself with these trivial matters, Paris!" said Hector. "But, if you must know, it's the Trojan standard!"

"Is there a Trojan standard of measurement?"

"There is now," said Hector. "But, Paris, in case you were wondering, this conversation does have a point."

"It does?"

"It does."

"What is it?"

"Well," began Hector, "I want you to drink all of the ale in this pint."

"Why?" asked Paris, a gleam of curiosity in his brown eyes.

"Because," said Hector convincingly, sauntering around the table. He sidled up to Paris and laid a hand on his shoulder. Paris glanced over at the hand and asked:

"Why?"

"Because."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Why?"

"Because," said Hector again, grappling for words. "Because…it's my birthday…and we need to celebrate!"

"Is it really?" asked Paris, not convinced. "How old are you, then?"

"Uh…well," began Hector. "Well, I…uh…31, ok?"

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Paris consolingly. "Is that why you've been so depressed lately? Because you're so well advanced in years?"

"Um…well…yes!" spluttered Hector, confused. "That's exactly why! How could you tell?"  
"Oh," said Paris, feeling very smug, "I have my own subtle little ways. Oh, I get it. If I drink this, it will cheer you up, because it'll make you feel like people are celebrating. Is that it?"

"That's it!" squealed Hector in mock enthusiasm. "Please, Paris! It would make me feel ever so much better!"

"Very well," said Paris, trying to look bothered. "If it will make you feel better." Paris scooted the gargantuan flagon towards himself.

"To my big brother, Hector," said Paris. With great effort, he hoisted the mug up and quaffed the entire contents at one draught. Hector's eyes bulged out, while his mouth fell almost to the floor.

"How- how did you do that?" he sputtered.

"Hiccup!" said Paris. "You, hiccup, should know by now, hiccup!" Remember that one time at the dinner table when, hiccup, I swallowed, like, all of the food at once? You know, back when you were on that 'exterminator' gig?"

"Oh, yes," said Hector. "I neglected to remember your odd capability of engulfing large quantities of edibles at one time."

"And don't, hiccup, you forget it again!" said Paris proudly. He hiccupped several more times loudly, then said:

"Hiccup, Paris out!" He pitched backwards to the tile floor and remained that way for quite a while.

"Phew," said Hector. "All right, everyone. You can come out now!" Priam crawled out of the gaping mouth of a large striped tiger skin in the middle of the room, Helen scrambled down from the ceiling chandelier, Tecton fought his way out of the closet, and Lysander crawled out from behind the ornate chaise lounge. Hector glanced at all present and grinned wickedly.

"I don't think he even suspected!" he chuckled.

"Well," said Helen hastily, "let's get on with it, before he wakes up!"

"Not to worry," said Hector. "Paris is out for at least two days!"

Two days later, Paris awoke from his drunken sleep and squinted around at his surroundings. He realized that he was sitting in a mud puddle, next to a single palm tree, on a deserted island, which was less than ¼ sq. acre large, out in the middle of the Aegean Sea!

"AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Paris in distress. After he looked around a bit, he discovered a note, which read:

"You can use the coconuts from the palm tree for food. We'll be back to pick you up in three weeks! Ha ha. Have fun!"

"Grrrr…" growled Paris irately. "That Hector deceived me!" Then, he began to sob uncontrollably.

"I don't have my nail file, my lip balm, my facial cleanser, my black-head strips, my exfoliating lotion, my mirror, my face and body wax, my razor…" Here he gasped. "My razor!" He began to sob even more. "Why, without my razor, I…I…I'll grow facial hair!" He buried his face in the mud and began to mourn.

Three weeks later:

"I'm so excited to see the new Paris!" exulted Helen. "It's been terrible being married to someone more girly than myself. If he can't shave, he'll have to grow facial hair!"

"Yes," agreed Hector. "I just hope that he hasn't gone insane. You know how afraid he was of growing facial hair."

"I know," said Helen.

Presently, the ship drew near the location of the island. The first they could see of it was the silhouette of a palm tree. Next to it was the dark outline of Paris jumping up and down for joy. When they reached him, they got their first glimpse of 'the new Paris' as they called him. Well, aside from being rather emaciated and uncommonly grubby, there wasn't much of a difference. However, Hector and Helen did notice a bit of peach fuzz on his chin.

"It was a good effort," said Paris, laughing, "but you'll have to leave me here a bit longer than that if you want _me_ to grow adequate facial hair! It grows rather slowly. Wait…where are you going? You can't just leave me here again! Pleeeeaaasse noooo!"

"We'll be back in a year or so!" Hector shouted back.

"Yeah, yeah, great!" mumbled Paris cantankerously.

During the course of that year, Paris/Gilligan decided to make himself a new friend. So he plucked a coconut and carved a face in it with a rock. He dubbed it "Reebok" and he talked to it all the time. In fact, Paris grew so attached to Reebok that he began to think of him as a real person. Reebok "helped" Paris with his day-to-day "work". This included sleeping, looking for ships, sleeping, looking for ships, sleeping, trying to fish (but failing), sleeping, chopping down the only coconut palm tree with a sharp rock so he could try to make a fire (which he couldn't), sleeping, pacing, sleeping, trying to keep clean while pacing, sleeping, looking for ships, digging for gold, looking for fish (which he couldn't find any because they were all in the water), trying to use the water as a mirror (which didn't quite work either), looking for food, pacing, and sleeping. Reebok helped Paris a great deal during all of these arduous tasks. He provided moral support. But since Paris/Gilligan wasn't very bright, he had destroyed his only source of food (the coconut palm tree). When he realized this, he put the best face on it that he could. Little by little, he ate the tree: leaves, trunk, and all. And it sustained him for quite some time. But when Gilligan, I mean Paris, ran out of tree, he become conscious of the fact that there was no other food left on the island but himself and Reebok. Now, Paris loved Reebok dearly, but when push came to shove, he loved himself more. So he ate Reebok.

A few days later, Hector and Helen returned to the island. What they found surprised and astonished them. They found Paris (who, by then, had a sufficient amount of facial hair) cradling the two halves of a cracked coconut shell with a face on it, sobbing:

"I'm a murderer!" Hector was ashamed of his brother's behavior, especially in front of Helen. But he decided to humor Paris, all the same.

"What, Paris?" asked Hector. "Who did you murder?"

"Reebok!" cried Paris plaintively.

"Who's Reebok?" asked Helen. Paris held up the shells, earning a dissatisfied eye rolling from Hector. He bent over and snatched them from Paris. Then, Hector hurled them down and ground them into the sand with his heel. They all heard the telltale cracking of Reebok's shell and Paris began crying even harder:

"Reebok! Reebok!" Then, they transported Paris back to Troy and gave him a nice, warm, bath. But he was strictly forbidden from shaving his facial hair (he could trim it from time to time, however) on pain of being sent back to the island to see the remains of Reebok. Paris complied willingly. And so everyone lived happily ever after, though sometimes at night, Helen would hear Paris moaning about his murdered friend…the coconut.

**Finis**


	7. Of Facial Hair Continued

**Troy: Gone Rum VII**

_Anarion Tari Culnama_

One day in Troy, Paris was strolling along, just strolling, his hands behind him, humming a happy tune. He had nothing in particular that he wanted to do, so he decided that he would compose a song. He even decided that his song would have words! He began to sing:

"There are stinky little people who do stinky little things, who stick their stinky noses into matters of the king! Oh, Hector is busted! There are those who can't be trusted!"

"What was that?" asked Hector, who had been playing a game of Go Fish with himself over at the central mirror fountain. He had been complaining a great deal lately that, since the war was over, there was nothing to do and no one with which to fight. He was rather competitive, you see.

"Do you want me?" continued Hector. "You said my name. Make it fast, I'm winning."

"Uh, no," said Paris, slightly nauseated at the thought of Hector listening in on his "stinky little song".

"Good," said Hector, fingering a jewel on his ornate skirt. "Ok, my turn." He peered at his cards.

"I need a narwhal," he said. Then, he got up and went over to a stack of cards that were sitting a ways away on the fountain ledge.

"Keep your skirt on, Hector!" said Hector. "I'm looking. Nope, no narwhal. Got any sea-serpents?" Then, Hector resumed his first position and looked at his cards. His face fell as he pulled a card out of his hand.

"Here you go," he said, handing the card to himself.

* * *

Elsewhere in the palace, Helen was busy scheming. 

"Paris is still too girly," she said to her servant. "Something must be done. Now that he's gotten over his attachment to Reebok, that threat doesn't work anymore! He shaved! I could kill him!" Her characteristic placidness flew out the window as she fell into a wild rage. When she was finished venting her anger, she smoothed her hair back down, while the servant cleaned up all of the shattered ceramic objects and such.

"I've got it!" cried Helen suddenly. "Where is that box?" She rummaged through a myriad of cupboards before finally locating it. Then, she opened it and pulled out an odd object. It was a stick-on French mustache.

"I want facial hair, I get it," she stated proudly. "I don't care if it's fake! Uh, servant, summon Paris without delay! If he will not come, tell him that I will see to it that he-" she thought a moment, "that he gets eaten up in a wild gopher accident. That should terrify him! Off with you!"

* * *

Paris soon received the message. He was also able to extract a bit of additional information from the servant as to why Helen wanted him. 

"Hmm…" mused Paris. "I'll wager that she liked Menelaus because of his facial hair. He did have plenty of it. He, he, he, I'll bet he used to tickle her with it on a regular basis. And then, sometimes, food would get caught in it and she would probably eat it!" Paris began to snigger at the thought, but stopped only when an idea hit him- literally. He looked down and inspected what had struck him. A checkerboard?

"Sorry, Paris," said Hector, "I was cheating again, so I had to teach myself a lesson. I threw the game."

"I see that," said Paris. "Hey, below!"

"What," said Hector, rather annoyed, "are you talking about? Are you insane?"

"No," replied Paris, "I just felt like saying it. What I really wanted to ask you is, 'Do you still have that Santa Clause beard?'"

"Who's Santa Clause?" asked Hector.

"I don't know," answered Paris. "But do you have it?"

"Yes."

"Can I borrow it?"

* * *

"Helen, I'm home!" called Paris sweetly. Helen egressed from the room and froze stock still in her tracks. 

"Do you like my beard?" asked Paris. It didn't look real at all. It was the fakest beard there ever was. And it was ugly. Real ugly.

"Burn it!" hissed Helen fervently. "It _must_ die."

"Me?" squeaked Paris in surprise.

"No, the beard," said Helen. She pulled out a flame thrower from somewhere and aimed it at Paris' face.

"Ho, ho, ho!" coughed Paris weakly. "Merry, cough/wheeze, Christmas!" His face was coal black, his eyebrows and eyelashes burnt, and his hair was smoking like burning plastic. At least, Helen didn't insist upon his growing facial hair for quite some time after that.

**Finis**


	8. The Ultimate Snowball Fight

**The Ultimate Snowball Fight**

_Altariel_

_(Edited by Anarion Tari Culnama)_

One day in Troy, it was unbelievably humid. Never before had it been so dry. Everyone was dying of thirst.

"Water! I need…water!" gasped Hector, dragging himself across the stone floor of the palace. Then, without warning, snow began falling out of the sky in large piles.

"Good Heavens!" cried Helen. "What is this?"

"I don't know," replied Paris. "Why don't you go find out?" He picked Helen up and threw her down the steps into the snow.

"Auuughhhhh!" she shrieked in a panic.

"What's wrong?" asked Paris. "Is it melting you? Is it…"

"No," replied Helen. "It's soft and cold."

"Then why did you scream?" questioned Hector.

"I broke a nail!" sobbed Helen. "I now…I'm going to cry!" She held up her chipped nail. Paris' eyes grew wide with horror. He turned and ran inside the nearest wardrobe.

"Ow…" **Bonk!** "Ooo!" **Crash!** "Ow…owww!" they heard coming from the wardrobe. A few moments later, Paris emerged with underpants over his skirt, a towel tied like a flying cape around his neck, a bag filled with beauty supplies tied around his waist, a nail-file in one hand, and a bottle of nail-polish in the other.

"Never fear! Beauty-man is here!" he yelled. Paris jumped down the stairs and picked Helen up with one of his arms, then flew her into his beauty salon, singing:

"I feel pretty, oh, so pretty, and witty, and gay!"

"Hmm…strange!" remarked Hector. "Back to out situ…"

"Strange-ice-water fight!" shouted Tecton, hurling a snowball at Hector. It hit the prince smack in the head, knocking him down the stairs into the snow. The second Hector reached the bottom of the steps, he got to his feet with a tightly-packed snowball in each hand. He smiled evilly and chucked them at Tecton, knocking him out cold. The prince smiled even bigger (if that was possible) and his eyes went swirly-twirly.

"Ahhh! Run for your lives!" cried Lysander. "Hector has gone mad!" Hector commenced throwing snowballs at everyone he saw, his arms moving faster than the eye could see. Before he knew it, everyone in Troy had been knocked unconscious by his powerful throws. Hector still felt like playing, however, so he simply threw the snowballs at all the people lying on the ground.

"Muhahahahahahaha!" cackled Hector, throwing a super large snowball at Priam's head. Priam's leg twitched at the impact.

"I'm having so much fun I just can't hide it! Muhahahahahahaha…haha…ha…ha?" Hector made his way over to the watch tower and peered over the edge to see the Greeks swimming in the snow near the city. Hector grinned like the Mouth of Sauron and sunk slowly down.

"Perfect!" he whispered to himself. "New victims!" He grasped a snowball in his hands, then peeked over the wall once more and scanned the area for his first target. Hector spotted Menelaus struggling to move in the snow.

"Brilliant!" laughed Hector, jumping to his feet and hurling the snowball. It missed! But it was not all for naught; even though it whizzed past Menelaus head', it wiped out Agamemnon, who was right behind him. Then, Agamemnon fell forward and squashed Menelaus.

"Menelaus is busted! There are those who can't be trusted!" sang Hector evilly. He then, once again, went swirly-eyed and knocked all of the Greeks out cold.

When he was done, he began a victory dance singing:

"I'm number one! I'm number one! They're number two!" Without warning, a snowball sped right past his head. Hector froze in his tracks, slowly turning his head to look at the ground and find out who had DARED throw a snowball at him. He saw Achilles tossing a snowball up in the air and catching it in his right hand. Achilles waved at Hector and grinned.

"You have yet to get ME, Prince Hector!" he shouted. Hector snarled at him and rushed down to the gate. When he arrived outside the walls of Troy, he made a good snowball and approached Achilles.

"Ok…ready…set…GO!"

A few hours had passed and still neither one had been hit: they were both equally skillful. But then, Hector had a brainstorm. He made a massive snowball and rolled it towards Achilles, squashing the Greek into the snow before he could elude it. Then, Hector sprinted over and knocked the disoriented Achilles comatose with another snowball. Hector was the victor.

As he walked back through the gates of Troy, he realized something. Everyone was gone. He turned around and shut the gates, then whirled back around. Everyone was surrounding him. They were all smiling wickedly, holding a gargantuan snowball above their heads.

"Hey, guys!" pleaded Hector. "This isn't fair!"

All at once, they dropped the snowball on him. Hector lost a few teeth and became quite black and blue. He stood there momentarily, swaying delicately back and forth, before saying:

"Hector out!" He fell backwards to the ground and did not wake for three days.

**Finis**


	9. Altercations

Altercations

"I admire your courage," said Achilles, still glowering like he had sunk his teeth into a lemon. "But I could have your head on a spit in the blink of an eye!"

"Oh yeah?" challenged Hector. "Don't be so sure. But even if you could, at least my pants will last longer."

"What?" questioned Achilles.

"I believe you're the one who said, 'Yes prince, but our pants will remain', after I said, 'In a thousand years, the dust from our bones will be gone.' "

"I did?" said Achilles. "It cannot be!" He turned, mumbling: "Must have been a typo in the script."

"Want to have a name calling contest?" asked Hector pleasantly.

"Sure!" responded Achilles. "Um…you sack of wine!"

Hector yawned. "That one's a bit overused, wouldn't you agree?" he said. Achilles turned away, abashed once more.

"How about it, you bag of dates?" prodded Hector. "Hm? What's that, you pompous pomegranate?" Achilles slunk away, feeling ill-used.

"Bye bye, raisin brain!" Hector called after him. "Give your mother my regards!"

"Wha-?" said Priam, entering the beautifully furnished room. He saw what Paris had done and he was horrified. "How dare you lock that bird in a cage!" he roared. "It should be free! It should be free as the wind! Let the little bird go, or I will kill you! And by that, I mean from head to toe!"

"Toe?" cried Hector. "What toe? I love my toe!" He pulled off his sandal and kissed his toe.

"Is it really smelly?" asked Achilles, coming back. "I'm just curious."

"Look, you can say whatever you want about me," said Hector, "but no one insults my toe!" He socked Achilles, felling him like a leaf before a lawnmower.

"Ahhhhh!" shrieked Odysseus.

"What?" questioned Paris.

Odysseus pointed downwards towards Paris' foot.

"There…there is a scorpion eating a tarantula on your foot!"

Paris looked down. "Ahhh!" he cried, "Fluffy! Whaaaaa! My wittle Fluffy!" Paris grabbed the remains of his tarantula and squashed Tom, the scorpion.

Suddenly, Achilles began chasing after Paris yelling, "I'll get you my pretty…and your little dog too!"

"Onomatopoeia," said Lysander, cogitatively. "I've always loved that word."

**El Fin**


	10. Of Cousins, Cruises, and Confusion

**Of Cousins, Cruises, and Confusion**

"Play your tricks on me, but not on my cousin," said Achilles emphatically to Odysseus.

"Beloved cousin," said Patroclus, "your beauty grows with each new moon." Achilles didn't know quite what to say in reply.

"He killed my cousin!" shouted Hector as he came out of the Trojan gates, pointing at Briseis' dead body.

"Who are you?" questioned Achilles curiously.

"Nobody! He's nobody!" yelled Paris. "A distant cousin of my aunt's nephew twice removed. Lovely singing voice. Eunuch."

"Ah!" said Hector—this had obviously offended him—"Don't be hasty! H-umm…."

"Hasty?" said Achilles. "Our friends are out there. They need our help! They cannot fight this war on their own!"

"This will be the greatest war the world has ever seen!" roared Hector in retort. He also wanted to tell him that Celeborn and Guy were the same, but didn't.

"Yes, Hector," said Achilles, "the point is—he's clearly overacting!"

"Oh, that's nice!" said Hector, rolling his eyes. He turned to Andromache. "Do you remember how to get down to the tunnel? I want you to get our boy and come down here. You save as many people as you can, but YOU get here, and you run!"

"You need people of intelligence on this mission—quest—thing!" put in Paris.

"Well, that rules you out, Paris!"

"Three companions," remarked Hector. "So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Get-Down-to-the-Tunnel-Quick-If-Troy-Ever-falls!"

"Great! Where are we going?"

"To the harbor, Paris!" replied Hector.

"We're going to steal a ship?" inquired Paris. "That ship?"

"Commandeer," said Achilles. "It's a nautical term. We're going to commandeer THAT ship." He pointed out into the bay to where a sturdy, but small craft drifted gently across the water on the tide.

"It's such a pretty boat—ship!" announced Hector.

"Will we ever see each other again?" asked Paris.

"You smoke too much, Paris," answered Hector.

Achilles, Paris, and Helen boarded the ship solemnly.

Several hours later:

"I CAN'T sail this ship all by me onesies!" yelled Achilles angrily, indicating Paris, who was lying around reciting mushy love poems to Helen.

"Me—I can let you drown!" said Achilles smugly; he swung the pivoted spar around, knocking Paris and Helen off the side of the ship. Then, before they could be rescued, Achilles yelled:

"Row! Greeks are dying! Row, you lazy Orcs, row!" The oarsmen shot away, leaving Paris and Helen struggling in the wake.

"Welcome to the Aegean, love," sputtered Paris. Helen, fed up, turned and smacked Paris viciously.

"I may have deserved that," Paris commented. Suddenly, they noticed the dorsal fin of a tiger shark coming towards them.

"Something draws near," said Paris. "I can feel it." It bit him on the leg.

"It is HERE!" he cried, swimming as fast as possible to get away.

Helen and Paris, exhausted and soaked, finally found themselves on the shores of an uncharted desert isle, with Gilligan…

"Thanks, a lot—" they heard.

"But, Skipper!" Then, the entire island blew up.

Meanwhile, Agamemnon and Menelaus were reenacting the scene of the decision to attack Troy, endeavoring to discover whose fault it was.

"Will you go to war with me, brother?" asked Menelaus.

"This is either madness or the O.C.!" yelled Priam from his Palace.

"It's remarkable how often those two things coincide," observed Odysseus.

Then, at the mention of his favorite show, Agamemnon decided to go watch an episode or two…or three.

"You're late," the TV said when he arrived. "You look terrible!"

"I shall smash you, vile instrument of sorcery!" Agamemnon yelled. He chopped the TV into millions of jagged pieces.

"FREEDOM!" he bellowed. Just then, Menelaus came dancing into the tent saying:

"Is the king dead? Is the throne yours?" Agamemnon ignored him completely. He was looking out the window at a dark rider in the distance.

"They're here," he said.

"But, it's only one man!" cried Odysseus.

"No! They're here!" shouted Agamemnon. "They've come."

"Black riders!" shrieked Briseis, who had just magically returned to life. However, when Menelaus saw her, he died of fright.

"We are sitting on a field of victory enjoying a few well earned comforts," said Agamemnon, sitting down to a voluptuous feast.

"What are you doing?" cried Odysseus. "Those wraiths are still out there!"

**Finis**


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